That is the question. For is it better to free ones heart to feel love and give pure and true love in return or feel like a cheap whore, and sleep with other men with the permission and encouragement of my partner? What to do, what to do? This is the quandary that is perplexing me right now. Confused yet? Here, let me start from the beginning sort of.

Back when we first met two years ago I was his pet, he was my Master. Feeling grew and I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The role of pet and Master grew less and less and the role of girlfriend and boyfriend grew stronger and stronger. I hope to someday legally be his wife but that’s a different subject for a different time. He is so wonderful that it was not hard for me to slowly I let some of my walls down and let him in giving him my whole heart and trusting him with is fully. I sense that he is guarded sometimes but, I know that he loves me in return.

The problem I guess as he sees it is that I have changed. Gone are the days of wanting to see and have sexual encounters with other men, wanting to have sex parties and multiple partners. I have no desire for that any longer….at all. Nope none what so ever. All that I want is what I have always wanted my entire life; to find a good man with an amazing heart and settle down. I found that man in my partner. I want to be the good girl that I always felt I was never allowed to be before. I am done feeling dirty and slutty and the mere idea of sleeping with another man or having any kind of sexual encounter with another man disgusts me, makes me feel dirty and like I am cheating. My partner says its not cheating but I beg to differ.  That may come from a life time of abuse before I met my partner.

If you havent read in previous posts, I was tortured for years and years by an abusive Dom that on several occasions I think tried to kill me. I am still baffled as to why he set me free so to say. He said it was because he was moving out of state. I think its because he became board with me over the years because I didnt react the way that I had used to in the beginning. I think that when I numbed my mind my body followed and I was not a fun toy anymore. Then there is the abuse that I endured at the hands of other men as a child. I survived but it left me jaded and bitter inside and I tried to make it better by having sex with men that I didnt care about just to try to find some pleasure and mask my searing pain and broken heart that I hid deep inside.

Then comes along my partner that I am with. He is my very best friend, my love and my life. He rescued me and showed me that it is ok to feel safe for the first time in my entire life. I never felt fully loved or safe by or with my family but this man, this wonderful and amazing man gave me the strength to let go of my anger and my hate and feel safe and loved. The change that I have worked so hard at for the last two years is just amazing. I have a pride and love for myself that I have never felt before. He helped me to realize that I am a beautiful person and that it is a good thing to be happy and free from fear and pain. I cant even begin to explain how hard it was for me to do that. I still struggle sometimes. I feel ugly inside and out, I want to hide away and let the sadness take over. But he picks my heart up and makes everything better. His support in my transformation has been amazing. I couldnt ask for a better, more loving, caring and understanding man. He supports me in my life altering illness that I have. He gives me strength when my body is weak, my mind falters and my faith in life and the ability to hold on to sanity diminish to the point of giving up. I know that he loves me unconditionally.

That being said, here is where my question comes into play. He helped me change, encouraged and brought out this positive change in me. But, he still wants me to have sexual encounters with other men, have group sex, seek out other partners by myself and then come home and tell him about it. Like I said before I have no desire to anymore. Thats not the person that I want to be and I dont know how to make him understand that. He doesnt like it when I cry but my heart hurts so bad right now I cant help but want to.

An old friend and ex sex partner sent me a text the other day.  Started out innocent enough. He was asking me a question about something very far from sexual. Slowly but surely, like it always does with this friend he starts with the dirty talk. I reply back while telling my boyfriend everything that is going on. I do every time that this friend texts me. I dont keep secrets. My boyfriend/partner encourages me to go see him. Thing is I really dont want to. I am carrying on this text conversation with my friend not for me but for my partner. Why? I dont fucking know. I still dont understand what his fascination is with the idea of me sleeping with another man or group of men with or with out him. Maybe in a past life I would have but now it make me feel like shit. Like so much less than the woman that I have become. It makes me feel like a lowly whore that is a piece of meat for entertainment. I know my partner doesnt want me to feel that way but since he has set my heart free that is the way that I now feel about sex escapades with others. In the past I would have went and seen my friend even if I was dating someone because I had fun with him. The important thing to remember though it that I did NOT love anyone that I had dated or slept with in the past. I was looking for a fix, for someone to keep me from being lonely but now that I have found true and pure love,  it just feels terribly wrong to even consider sleeping with any other man. The thought of  sucking another mans cock makes me sick to my stomach. I try to have those fantasies of past sex partners when having sex with my partner because he wants me to but my mind blocks them out and I think about the man that I love and what I am doing to him and enjoying doing to or with him. I dont like leading him on but when he thinks that I am fantasizing about other men I am thinking about him. I cant help it he makes me that happy. Thing is, because I dont want to upset the man that I love and make him think that I am not fun or exciting and adventurous anymore I try to make plans to go see my friend. Thankfully for me he never did get back in contact with me about coming over tonight. Huge sigh of relief for me.

My partner and I had a one night encounter with another person together. I sell feel disgusting when I think about it. I had to “alter my mood” to go to that encounter and I regret it every day since. My skin is crawling right now just thinking about it. Thing is my partner really enjoyed it and I know that he wants to again. I know that he wants to share other partners, men and women both with me. I trust him with all of my heart and my soul but I dont want to share another person with him. I like girls and if ever given the chance at one of the two that I have wanted for years I would take that opportunity with that girl/girls. But I would do it alone. The idea of sharing another woman with him is not at all acceptable. I know men are just that….men. I know that all men irregardless of how happy they are in their relationships desire other women. I can accept that. I understand that. I desire other women. I get it. But the idea of sharing another woman is a no go. The idea of letting him go be with another woman is not going to work either. I am here and want to have sex and or make love to him all the time. I mean ALL the time. So why the need to bring anyone else in? I really cant get an answer to that question from him. I wish that I knew.

Talking about this issue is a no go too. I try to bring it up and I feel like this terrible monster. Like some heartless, no fun bitch. I dont want to feel like that and I dont want to be like that. I want to be fun and adventurous. I want to try different things. Just with my man though. I never want to deprive him of what he needs and I will not say no to SOME things that he wants/needs. I just wish that I could find an answer. I dont want to loose him, I CANT loose him. He has told me so many times that I am over thinking this.  I dont think I am. I am not asking him to give up everything that he desires or needs. But, I am asking to settle down. Settle down with me. I have made so many changes and worked so hard and for him to say that he doesnt want to change hurt me so deeply. Am I not worthy of a change in some thoughts and behavior?  It hurt me in a way that I can not find words for. I love him more than anything  in this whole entire world. I am not asking for him to give everything up. I am just asking that he puts aside the dream of multiple partners at the same time. I wish that he could understand how I feel and not make me feel bad for feeling that way.

So the question still stands….do I hold firm to what makes me feel good about myself and only want to be with him or do I give in, feel dirty and belittled and give him his multiple partner desires?

I want to follow my heart but I dont want to loose him or for him to loose his desire for me. I guess I will just have to play it by ear and do what I need to do to keep the man that I love more than the very air that fills my lungs.

 

~Kitten~

Damn it feels really good to be back at this after such a long time. I must admit that I missed it a whole lot.

I am sitting here while my boyfriend and son are watching some cheesy movie that I have zero interest in. As I was sitting there I was thinking about a whole gamut of things. My poor brain is going on over drive lately. Waiting to hear if I have landed the job of my dreams, thinking about the new bed that my boyfriend and I want to get, wondering if I will ever get married, wishing I hadn’t quit smoking, glad I quit smoking, wondering if my new thyroid meds are really going to help or am I going to die much too young, wondering what is going on with my current job and if it will be around much longer and wondering when my tax return will come. Like I said my poor mind is running the gamut right now.

I am a mess right now. I cant make my poor brain slow down and I find myself crying all the time. I don’t know why I am such an emotional train wreck. I was never like this before. I was hard and quiet. I was a submissive. I was not allowed to show emotion so I didn’t. That has changed though. My loving boyfriend changed that for me. Since I have been freed I have found this journey into learning how to feel to be a difficult one at times. I know it must drive the poor man crazy with all the crying and emotional roller coasters that I have been on lately. I don’t mean to be like this but, alas I am.

Now please bear in mind this is nothing against my love because he did nothing wrong this one was all me. That being said let me explain what happened today. So, this morning I am hovering over the computer trying to work on our taxes and in the back of my mind trying to figure out the bills that I have sitting next to me. That in and of itself is stressful. My taxes went smoothly and as expected. I started working on his and it was not the outcome that we were hoping for but, I was not done yet. I needed to ask him a question and when he saw the current outcome he was not happy and snapped not so much at me as at the government. But, I was in the way of the verbal assault on the outcome. Before, when I was fully engulfed in being a submissive the words would not have fazed me one little bit. Now…..it hurt. I know now that he was not mad at me, I hadn’t done anything wrong. When he snipped though it felt like a knife through my heart, like I fucked everything up. I tried to apologize, which is something I find myself doing a lot even when it is not merited, and that made him more upset. I have such a hard time getting him to understand that when I feel like I hurt him in any way it kills me. That is how deep my love for him is. Anymore my emotions first reaction is to be hurt and cry. I don’t know why and I sure as hell am not used to it. I could be beat half to death, left bruised and bloodied by a Dom and not shed a tear until I was safely away from him. Now I so much as feel like I caused my love any kind of distress from taking too much of the bed up at night to the not so pleasant tax outcome thus far and anything in between and I am on the verge of tears. In a way I guess it is a good thing because I am free to feel and show it but at the same time being this weak sucks.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not this weak all the time. I can be one tough cookie still. I can stand my ground with other people and take care of business with out breaking out in tears. But, when it comes to my boyfriend I am an emotional train wreck. Like I said its not like we fight all the time. Its quite the opposite. We have an incredibly wonderful relationship. He is sweet, loving, gentle, kind, good, soft hearted and wonderful. This mornings snip wasn’t meant for me and I know that. If we do have an disagreement and they are few and far between we make up quickly.  My love for him is like nothing I have ever felt before. I thought I had been in love before but that was a farce. This is the most real love that I have ever experienced. The kind of love that hurts deep down inside but in a good way. Let me put it this way, I love him so much that the mere thought of him not being in my life can put me in an anxiety attack. My heart aches so hard and the tears come so quickly and hard that I can hardly breathe. That is how much I love this man. He is my soul mate. I guess that is why I am so emotional. He saved me and freed me and showed me how to feel and now when it comes to him it all comes out. I guess that it is ok to be emotional I just need to try to be less sensitive. Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s the key. Hell I don’t know. At least he is patient and he loves me unconditionally.

After all….Im still his ~Kitten~

My goodness it has been some time since I have been on here and for that I am very sorry. So many things have changed since I have been here last. Good things for me indeed. I have finally found the man of my dreams. Yes, I used to call him my master but that is no longer. I have been set free. I am free to feel, to love and to be loved in return. To say that I am blessed beyond words is an understatement. I tell him all of the time that he saved me and he tells me that I am the one that saved myself that he only helped. Thats not how I see it though. With out him I dont know where I would be right now. Definitely not here, writing this blog which was something he suggested. Sometimes I wonder if I would be alive or if the one that used to torture me and hurt me for his pleasure would have put an end to my life by now. I dont know. All I know is that I am here because of my partner, my best friend. 

I want nothing more than to take care of him in return because, he takes such amazing care of me. I have found some things out since I was here last. Some things that at times are very hard to deal with. I am sick. I have an auto-immune disease caused by my basically non existent thyroid gland that is destroying my body slowly and painfully. Sometimes, (this being the raised old school catholic side of me) I wonder if the pain of my disease is punishment for living the BDSM life style that I lived for so long. If the pain that I feel now, day in and day out is some sort of life long punishment that I have to endure. I dont know…..but, the one thing that I do know is that the man that I love with all of my heart and soul, the man that set me free and showed me what true love is, he loves me and has not shunned me because I am sick. He has supported me and helped me research and try to find doctors that will help me. I can not thank him enough for everything that he does for me.

I know this is falling away from the old BDSM me and for some of you that is not what you care to read about. I am sorry, I do need a place to find some release though. I used to find my release through the pain of a beating. Now all I feel day in and day out is pain. For the people that understand what is wrong with me they are surprised that I can endure the pain. Now bear in mind, I am not in terrible pain every day. Some days are better than others. Some days it feels like my bones are breaking, my body is on fire and my mind is a total fog. Other days Its not so bad, I ache and Im tired but no matter what the pain level is I continue to press on. To keep going or at least try to with as little complaint as possible. I try my very best to not let the pain show on my face. Thats where the BDSM training comes in so handy. I learned to hide my pain and I learned how to endure pain that would cripple most people. I cry alone a lot though. I dont even let my partner see it. I know that he has aches and pains, worries and troubles of his own and the last thing that I want to do is be a burden. I know that although there is an 18 year age difference between us (yes we are way over legal age so no worries there) I know deep down inside that the way my body feels although he is older than I am, I am not going to be around as long as he will. I was just telling him that today. I know he doesnt believe me. He tells me that I will live a lot longer than he will. It scares me to death….lol scared to death, thats a funny phrase, that I will die first and leave him. I never want to be with out him. It would break my heart more than he will ever possibly know. That is how deep and true my love for him is. The mere thought of going through life with out him makes every ounce of my being hurt with a pain that is deeper than any pain I felt when I was tortured or that I feel daily from this messed up disease that I have. Its amazing what love can do. 

Our relationship is over all pretty damn great given things that some people would think would make it difficult. Our age difference, health issues, exes, my parents, and other things that would normally be an issue just arent for us. We talk. We work things out. Talking, that is the most important thing. Open lines of communication. I cant stress enough how magnificently IMPORTANT that is. If more people talked and were honest the way we are with each other I think I more relationships would end in a spouse dying of old age than of divorce a few years after the vows are said.

Sad thing is, at this moment we arent talking and I feel like its my fault. I know that all couples no matter how wonderful things are between them have their spats and fights from time to time. Its human nature. Apologizing and  accepting an apology is the most important thing though. I got mad because I felt like this weekend I was doing it all. I know that I wasnt the only one doing things. He shoveled the snow and went to an event that he had to attend but I just was feeling like I was the one doing all the running, straightening, ect. Like every time I turned around he was watching TV and I was doing something that needed to be done. That may or may not be the case but its how I felt. Maybe I was wrong for feeling that way. I know that he works his butt off at work all week long, he comes home and cooks. I work an equally stressful job but I sit at a desk all day and I come home try to help with dinner and clean up after. I know that he aches and hurts and has his own medical worries. Some days I get off of work and it takes all I have to walk up the five steps into our home. We both fight our own battles. But, when I felt like I couldnt sit this weekend and relax because things needed to be done maybe I was wrong, maybe I could have sat and relaxed. But instead I pushed through how badly I have been hurting thanks to the very cold temps our area has been having and a terribly disgusting amount of snow in a short period of time that made my errands this weekend even harder and I did what I could do to get things done. I dont move very fast because I just cant anymore. I got more and more pissed every time I saw him playing on the computer or watching tv while I was going. I finally snapped earlier this evening. I got pissed to the point that we got into an argument over it. I hate fighting with him. It makes my heart ache like he will never know. I feel bad that I started it and although I want so very much to go apologize I dont know that at this moment he will listen or that he even cares. I know that with a little time things will be better and we will be good again. I know that sometimes because of the issues that I have with my body it effects me emotionally and mentally. I really dont mean for it to and I try very hard to control it but at times it gets the better of me. I know that he knows deep down inside that I dont do it on purpouse and that I am not trying to make him mad just for shits and giggles. I hate it when he is mad. I much prefer his smile instead. So, here is hoping that when I go to him and tell him that I am sorry he will believe me and forgive me. I know that it takes two to fight and there are two sides to every story and you have only heard mine. 

I want to thank you if you have read all the way through to this point. I know this is not the BDSM blog that you may have been expecting but, I think its time for a change. As one of my favorite composers once wrote: “It’s time for a change, I’m tired of the same old same…”

I think that I need to continue to express myself through words. Just different things now. Maybe some BDSM, some health issues, some relationship talk. I guess it just depends on where the muse takes me when I have the time and energy to blog. We shall see. I hope that you will follow me on my journey through freedom. Through this submissive’s continued escape. 

~Kitten~

Well hello there. Long time no blog.

Its been a while hasn’t it. A lot of things have happened since my last post. Oh lord…where to begin? I guess that I will begin where I left off last.

In my last blog I had talked about how I am finding myself, respecting myself and am incredibly happy. I am still with the most amazing man in the universe. I used to call him my Master. Well that is one of the many things that have changed since I last wrote. He is no longer Master and I am no longer his pet. He is my love, my best friend, my partner, future husband and father to my son. I am his best friend, love, partner, future wife and step mother to his wonderful children. My dreams, the ability to love and be loved in return, finally came true. This hope is the one thing that helped me hold on for so many years. Through the abuse and hell, sadness, loss and suffering I held on to the hope that the man of my dreams would come along and rescue me. He did. We had an interesting start and its gone in different directions than what we started at but, its a wonderful and happy direction. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Well, since I am no longer calling him my master, I will refer to him as “W”.  He still calls me Kitten though and I still adore  that. It is more of a sweet little nick name than anything else. I love to call him by his real name, it feels so good. I do have my own little nick name of sorts for him that I like to call him by better. It makes me smile and giggle like a little girl. But my little nickname for him will stay between him and I. I must say this non S/M thing is taking some getting used to. One thing that  I am still not used to him calling me by my name, especially my full name. No one calls me by my full name. I know he is serious when the full name comes out. Funny thing is, when he calls me by my name I feel a sense of normalcy that I had not felt for so very long. Its a great feeling.

I have learned one very important thing; that  I am the luckiest woman int he world. Yes, I have changed a lot. I have realized that I don’t need punishment and in pain to be happy and to feel. I don’t want to be punished ever again. Play and kink is one thing but I never want to experience punishment again and I am please to say that I know I never have to again. I CAN however,  show my emotions to him and NOT be afraid. I have never allowed myself to show a full range of emotions to anyone ever. I show people happiness and I have absolutely shown anger and hate. I have very rarely allowed anyone to see me sad and crying or scared. I locked those emotions away for when I am at funerals or when I am alone. “W” is the first one that I have cried in front of. I have cried because I was sad, I have cried because I was angry and at moments even hated myself. But, the very best of all….I have for the very first time in my life cried tears of joy. I didn’t even cry tears of joy when my son was born. It may sound odd to some. I was terrified. A single mom at 18 and a week away from graduating high school. The first time I cried tears of pure joy I felt so much intense and pure love from him that I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I know he doesn’t like it when I cry. Happy or sad I know that they bother him but, I cant help it sometimes. I can feel! And I am not afraid to feel! Its incredible beyond words. I know that he would not agree but he is my knight in shining armor and he saved me. The hounds of hell could not tear me away from him.

Its true I struggled with some things in the last few weeks. The one thing that I struggled with  the most is  how to tell the man that I love and adore that I learned to love myself and I dont want to be a cum whore and a pet any longer. That was a hard one for me but we made it through well.  I know that “W” is trying hard to adapt to my changes and he has been so much more than just supportive. He has stood by my side and helped, and guided me in my changes. I still struggle with the urge to go completely “vanilla”. I like the passion and sensuality, peace and happiness. Thing is I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the kink too and I really don’t want to loose that, EVER! I love sex with him too much. I still enjoy being flogged and pinched and choked and throat fucked. Yup I still like all of that. Hell I don’t just like it I love it! Makes me feel good, alive! But, I love being held and cuddled too. Its all good so I will keep it all.

“W” did the most amazing thing I have ever experienced before. When I was being tortured by the  past asshole that I was with before “W” I would get to the point that I couldn’t stand the pain and I was too afraid to beg him to stop so I would mentally kind of zone out. Not go un conscious, that would have been nice but, just kind of let my mind go blank and not feel. It worked for a while when he was in an extra abusive mood. Well, after reading some articles I had learned that zoning out is a form of subspace. “W” and I had also read that there are pleasurable forms of subspace too. So we decided to give it a whirl. Why not. The other evening though instead of starting by putting me in a slightly pained and submissive state of mind and body, “W” decided pleasure was a great way to start. He taped a stethoscope to my chest so that basically all I could hear was my own heart beat and he used toys and vibrators to bring me orgasm after orgasm. I felt incredible! I am still not sure what exactly it was that he did but in a fit of pure pleasure and bliss everything started to go in an instant from white to grey to black. I don’t remember anything after that. “W” said that I did not black out though. My body was reacting but my mind had gone away. Evidently, he had me cuming so much and so hard that I was crawling across the bed, scratching at the wall and babbling for almost an hour. He actually had managed to fist my pussy and I felt no pain. At one point when he had his entire large hand in me I remember feeling slight discomfort and that is when I started to come out of it a bit. He said he went back to vibrators and toys and helped me to slip back away for a few more minutes. When I finally remember waking up, everything was upside down. That would be because half my body was hanging off the bed and he told me had been for quite some time. I remember slipping in and out for a while. Sometimes seeing his smiling face and wanting to touch it but I couldn’t make myself move. Other times wanting to speak but I couldn’t make words. It was the most incredible feeling that I have ever felt in my life. My body quivered and I could hardly walk once I was able to move enough to stand. He had achieved getting me into a purely pleasure based form of subspace. I cant wait to do it again soon.

But at the same time I love the softness that he shows me too. He massages my sore, swollen and disfigured joints. He has a magical way of taking my aches and pains away even if just for a while. Oh but there is so much more! “W”s kisses are like nothing I have ever felt before. His hands touch me and I get tingles and weak in the knees every single time. It could be something as simple as a hand on my arm as we walk into a room together….tingles. He smiles his sweet, charming, warm smile and I cant help but feel giggles bubble up and come out uncontrollably. Oh the feelings he has brought out in me! I never though that I would feel this much love ever from a man and be allowed to feel and show him all of my love in return.   The one thing that he does, that I know I could never  live with out is when he puts his forehead to mine, closes his eyes and holds me close. I have never been treated like that before by anyone I have been in a relationship with. It leaves me breathless and smiling and a feeling of love and warmth that I adore.

Yes my readers….I have changed but I feel that I have changed for the better. I like being free and happy. I like that I don’t have to hurt anymore to feel.  The pain whore, the cum slut, the girl that thought the only way to feel is to feel pain is going….going…..almost gone. I will still hold on to that kinky little side of me. I cant take that  away from “W”. I will still say during sex that I am his whore and his dirty little slut, because I know that turns him on and he likes it. I know the truth. I am not a whore and I don’t have to feel like that anymore. I can look into his eyes and feel that he does not see me that way. They are just kinky words to perk his dirty mind.  I know that I can be his kinky little girl and his love at the same time and I am okie dokie with that. I know that “W” loves me with all of his heart and soul. I get the best of both worlds with him, kink and great sex and love and respect. I know that he can fuck the living hell out of me, fuck every hole that I have and I will cum and cum and love every second of it  but, I know that someday, when “W” is ready he will make love to me too. That will be a very first for me. I have never had that before, never ever. I am looking forward to sharing that with him.

I have shared and I am looking forward to sharing many wonderful firsts with him. So many great firsts  have come to me thanks to him and there are many more wonderful firsts to look forward to. I have the man of my dreams, my first real  true and honest love. I have two more wonderful children that I love with all of my heart. I have the family I always dreamed of. Three of the best kids ever and only in labor once. Hee hee! I m a lucky girl. “W” will someday be  my first and only husband. He is now and will for eternity be  my soul mate. He came to me so many years ago when I was just a  girl, working in a restaurant that he visited with his ex and small children. We saw each other from across the room and he took my breath away. Now all these years later, about 13-15 years later actually, we found each other again and I get to have that breathless feeling every time that I see him. Best of all, I get to spend the rest of my life as his girl and I wouldn’t want to live my life any other way.

I love you with all of my heart and soul “W” and I am honored to be yours for all the days of my life.

~Kitten~

Hello again to my readers. I hope this finds you well. My apologies for long gap in posts. I wanted to be a happy Kitten over the holidays so I took a break. 

I have been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend/Master. Finding him is the best thing that has happened to me aside from being a mother to a wonderful young man. I have been through so much so quickly with my Master. I am growing and finding that I can and do respect myself and can be safe and happy while serving. 

Between reading the Submissive Creed and the Submissive Rights that I have posted the link for on a previous blog, and my Master helping me to see that I dont deserve to be treated poorly by anyone; I am finding that respecting myself is not a hard thing to do. 

I was abused and raped for many years as a child. I also suffered mentally and physically at the hands of the first man I called my master. I have come to realize that he was no master at all but an abusive asshole with a god complex. He thought that he could do no wrong and made me feel that everything I did was wrong and that I deserved to be tortured for everything I did. I lived my life in a constant state of fear that took a lot of work to get past. I honestly thought I would never get past the fear and pain. I did though. The man I love, my true Master has helped me see that I do not need to fear any longer. The anxiety attacks that I suffered from for so long have almost disappeared. I can talk about my abuse to my Master/boyfriend with out cowering and crying uncontrollably. I feel an incredible release and strength now! Its amazing!

I do still have concerns though. My fear is now that my Master is re-training me to love myself, respect myself and find beauty and good in myself inside and out that I am going to loose my ability to be a sub. I dont want to get so strong that I cant be a good pet to my Master. I love him so much and I never want to let him down. 

A perfect example happened the other day. I was having an off day. I am, if you remember from previous posts, not a tiny girl. Granted, my Master loves his “big beautiful girl” but, his big beautiful girl was not loving herself and decided to join a gym and start dieting. There are up sides and down sides to this. The up side is that I will slowly but surely loose weight. I struggle and work my fat ass off at the gym and a few pounds are starting to come off. Down fall is that I suffer from two very difficult to handle diseases. I have thyroid disease and because of that my thyroid does not function and I take large amounts of hormone which make it hard to loose weight. I also suffer from ostio arthritis in my knees, ankles, shoulders and hands. That makes being mobile and doing some more intense exercising very difficult and painful. Thus slowing the weight loss process.

That being said I was getting a bit discouraged. I was not feeling very pretty and after seeing a picture from my office holiday party that my Master and I attended, and seeing my lumpy self in this black dress that I bought (first dress I have worn in about 15 yrs give or take, Im a tom boy but my Master is changing that) I felt horrible and ugly. I hated the picture that everyone in my company could see although my Master told me that he thought I was looking very beautiful. So, I explained to my Master that I felt that I needed to be punished for feeling that way about myself.  I realize that I have a beauty all my own and that I probably did look very good it was just a bad picture but, I needed to be reminded of that by Master. I asked my Master to paddle me and help me remember my place and how I need to treat myself. My Master told me that he would strike me with a belt of my choosing on my ass to teach me a lesson. I chose my belt and knelt in front of him to accept my punishment. Here is where the problem is….I hated it! I mean really really hated it. I cried and crawled into the corner of the couch and begged him not to hit me again. I didnt like the welts! I didnt like the pain anymore! What the fuck is wrong with me?!?  I am a submissive I am supposed to like this sort of thing. I know that my Master enjoyed it, although he felt guilt at the same time for hurting me. That is a totally other blog for another time though.

I have found this self respect, this pride in myself and new realizations and I lost my ability to accept pain and torture. I am conflicted and scared. I love being a sub. I love cowering at my Masters feet, sucking his cock and feeling him pull my hair, choke me and bind and clamp my tits. But my ability to endure pain is fading fast. I physically cant take as much pain as I used to. I dont know if its because I was taking the pain out of fear with the asshole that I thought was a master or that I am just getting soft. I love being passive for my Master, being his little pet, wearing my collar ( I LOVE my collar),I enjoy little bits of pain like bites, clothes pins, and spanking with his hand. I enjoy the slight fear of his hand around my neck when he fucks me. I just cant do extreme pain anymore. I feel like I am loosing a part of being submissive that I should have. That maybe I am getting to be too vanilla.

I know that my Master loves me and that as my boyfriend he loves me. I know that there are things about our relationship that differ from a regular relationship that keep things exciting for us and keep us smiling and happy. I know that he loves me for my mind, heart and body. I just have this deep fear that if I do continue to loose my ability to be a pain taking submissive that things will change. I really dont think that is the case because he is a caring, affectionate  sweet and romantic man and I am not a 24/7 pet. I know that the more that I start to lean toward more vanilla and less pain sub Im happy and it seems to be good so far. He still wants to present me with a blue collar and keep me by his side forever. We have even discussed that at some point down the road marriage is a possibility. Now, how much more vanilla can I get than that? I love him and I want to be his wife and live the rest of my life happily with his as his part time pet and full time lover and partner. I just dont want to fully ever loose that part of me that is submissive because I now respect and care about myself which I never did before. I dont want him to become too Dom to keep me a sub. I doubt that would happen but, it could. 

This conflict I am struggling with is not an easy one. Do I let my love for myself, my new found self respect take away the aspects of being a submissive that I have known for so very long take over and change me forever? Do I hold on to the submissive aspects that I still enjoy and share those with my Master and hope that it is enough along with other things that we mutually enjoy in our kinky relationship to keep us going happy and strong together forever? Do I go full on vanilla? I dont want to be full on vanilla but christ I am struggling and I dont ever want to disappoint or loose the man I love so very much and love to serve. These are the struggles of this sub that has found self respect. I love being able to love myself and look at myself and see good but I hate the struggle with how much to hold on to and how much to let go. 

So, my readers I propose this to you…..what do you think? Any good suggestions? Encouragement in either direction? 

For now I am going to continue to do the submissive things that I love and adore and hope that it continues to be enough. 

Thank you all for reading and best wishes to you until next time.

~Kitten~

Hello to my readers and fellow bloggers. Welcome and welcome back. I hope this finds you well.

 

I have been thinking back on my journey thus far with my new Master/boyfriend.How we first met about 13 or so years ago and never spoke a word to each other to where we are now. I believe in soul mates and I believe that he is mine. I believe that he was meant to save me from slavery and from myself, show me happiness and how to feel again .

First off I have to say that as far as boyfriends go he is incredible. Here I am, sick, snotty, stuffy and just over all looking and sounding like a hot mess. My sweetheart surprised me by bringing me yummy orange tea and treats and a cuddly little bear to snuggle with when he is not here with me. Never in my life has anyone, not even my own parents done anything like that for me. He even sat on the couch and cuddled me between coughing and sniffling, risking getting sick just a few days before Christmas. He is so incredible and I adore him with my whole heart and soul.

As my Master, yes I can honestly say that he saved me. I see now that I was NOT a submissive that was being freed from the bonds of a wicked master (better known as the asshole). I was a slave and he rescued me from going back to that again. After I was released by the asshole I was seeking another master. Unfortunately, I was so screwed up that as much as it hurt physically and mentally the way that I was treated I thought about going back to it with someone new. At that time I couldnt see that I deserved better. I am starting to see that now. I am worthy of being happy, loved and feeling good about myself. I am far from super model but I am starting to see the beauty in myself. I am a short very curvy girl with a great smile, beautiful eyes, and an equally beautiful mind. Its taken a lot for me to be able to say that. I was so beaten down and degraded for so long that I lost that part of myself. I buried those feelings deep away in the recesses of my mind. My Master is bringing that out and making me see myself the way that he sees me. I never realized that it was ok for me to want things for myself and to feel everything. It hurts sometimes but it feels so good and uplifting at the same time.

I am sure that there are other girls out there, maybe some are even reading this blog, that are not submissive’s, not pets, not loved or cared for by a good Master but, are slaves to someone that is mean and hateful. I know how hard it was for me to realize this but you deserve better. I was very open to the idea when my Master first proposed it. I was willing to accept affection and caring. The hope for someone to care about me was buried deep inside me but I held onto it and I believe at times its the only thing that saved me from loosing my mind completely. I had to hang on because there was someone out there for me. My Master is the one for me. It took a lot to be able to push away the fear and let in the trust but, that is the best thing that I have ever done as  submissive.

We started small. The fist thing that I had to do everyday, several times was to read the Submissive’s Creed that my Master found for me. I had to learn to accept what it said and that it did apply to me. I am NOT an object. I am NOT a doormat for someone to walk all over. I DON’T deserve the pain that was inflicted upon me.  I would greatly suggest for my fellow submissive’s that have not read it and for slaves that are suffering as I did to read the Creed. I still read it daily and live by its words in my submissive and everyday life.

http://msngroup.aimoo.com/TheAuctionBlock/thesubmissivescreed.msnw.htm

The next thing that I had to learn was that even as a submissive I have rights. I never knew that I had rights. I knew that  I had rules that I had to follow and if I didnt follow them the consequences were horrible. My sweet Master also made me read these rights daily and I still do. I have realized that this is part of becoming free and happy. The more that I live by these rights the better I feel. I know that if you are a slave and you are unhappy and scared its hard to believe that you can be happy. I never thought I could. I honestly though that I was trapped and would suffer for ever because no one would or COULD love me. I have learned just how wrong that I am. I now know that my submission is a gift and I have the right to decide who gets to receive my gift of submission and devotion.

http://www.dadgproductions.com/subrights.htm

 

All of this came as quite a shock to me. I mean christ it took everything that I had to learn to look my Master in the eye. He refused to ever let me look away. Now it comes easy and I love looking him in the eye. I feel strength and peace when I look into his dark, kind eyes. All that I want is to be able to help another tortured soul feel the same way that I am beginning to feel. Dont get me wrong I still have a ways to go. I still struggle looking at myself in the mirror sometimes. I struggle with seeing the beauty that is in me. I am starting to see it though. Some days I still dont see it at all. Its all part of the journey to freedom. I will get there eventually. I can honestly say that I do feel better already. The dark circles under my eyes are fading, the wrinkles from constantly wearing a scowl are fading too. Smiles work wonders for the skin. My Master has brought out something in me that I thought I would never see again. My family, friends and especially my son sees the changes in me. They can see that my attitude has changed. I am not bitter and sad all of the time. I smile so much more and for a while it scared them. One of my dear friends asked if I was doing drugs or drinking heavily. I said, “Nope just happy.I have the best man ever in my life and he brought out the happy in me”. That is something that every one sub or not should feel. But, especially in my opinion its something  a submissive should feel.

You have to feel happy, release the demons and find your own freedom. I know that in many cases its easier said than done. Trust me I know. I am dreading the lesson that my Master has to teach me yet to help me release my worst demon. I have read other blogs that my Master sends to me from other submissive’s that are struggling from mental and physical abuse. It seems to me that most of us dont realize that we are submissive by nature. We end up in shitty relationships with asshole men that walk all over us and treat us like meat. We are not meat damn it! We deserve better! Wow….that felt really good.

Thing is that it seems that most subs either stay in that shitty relationship because like me, they dont know how to get out or, they leave the ass they are with and go right into a relationship with another ass that is probably worse than the previous one. If you feel like you are trapped like I was I urge you to check out the links for the Creed and Sub Rights that I have posted above. If you really read them and take them to heart and start to live by them you will find so much inner strength. I know that I have. If it werent for my Master I would not be feeling like this today. There is oddly enough a song that makes me think of my journey with my dear Master. If you listen to “Home” by Phillip Phillips, I am sure that you will understand. My favorite line makes me think of how my Master/boyfriend has made me feel about his heart and how he feels for me. “Just know your’re not alone, I’m gonna make this place your home”. I do feel at home in his arms and his heart. Every sub should feel that about their master though, not just me.

Do bear in mind I am not totally healed yet. I still struggle with doing some of the sexual things that my Master enjoys because I am still self conscious and scared. I am not afraid of him though. I know that he knows how I look. He has seen his “round little Italian girl” as he lovingly calls me, naked and still has not run screaming for the hills. That alone took some getting used to. I am ashamed to admit it but, the very first time he told me that I am beautiful I thought he was lying. I hate knowing that I felt that way about such a wonderful and caring man. I am so sorry that I ever doubted him. I do believe him now and I am starting to see little by little what he sees. I still have work to do though. As a submissive I have lessons to learn and tasks to do, some that are harder than others. Just being able to be in the shower with my Master was a lesson in not having an anxiety attack. Yes readers…I was so abused that I suffer from anxiety attacks. At first I was terrified at the idea of being in the shower with my Master. I knew he was not going to hurt me that was not the issue. It was the past abuse that kept creeping into my head that was the issue. I had been water tortured for years.  When we were in the shower together for the first time it took every ounce of control that I had not to cringe when he touched me. I LOVE my Masters touch! I should not have even had the urge to cringe. When he first laid his hand on me I had my eyes closed and when I opened them I was not looking into the eyes of a cruel bastard that wanted to drown me. I was instead looking into kind and sweet eyes and the smiling face of the man that I care for so much. At that point all of my fears melted away.

I am not done with my lessons though. The hardest one for both my Master and I has yet to come. Actually it was supposed to happen tomorrow but because I am sick we are postponing. I have come to realize that some lessons are just as hard for the Master and they are for the submissive, and in my case, pet. (Do remember that my Master and I are not 24/7 D/s. Only when it is needed or desired. We do have a regular relationship that I very much enjoy. I lived that for too long and can not do it again.) When I was a slave to the asshole that beat and abused me for his pleasure he did one of the worst things that anyone has ever done to me. I have been raped repeatedly over the course of years as a child and raped and beat senseless as an adult for years too. But, what that bastard did to me left emotional scars that I am finding hard to heal. The reason that I struggle with finding myself  repulsive is because of the degrading things that I had to endure. I was convinced that I was disgusting, no one could ever love someone like me and that I was the ugliest person alive. I could relate with the beast from Beauty and the Beast. I felt like the Beast. What he did to me gives me chills just thinking about it. I was always forced to wear a leather hood when I was with that jerk. The only time during sessions that the hood came off was when he would force me to kneel in front of a full length mirror with a permanent marker in my hand. He would put his belt around my neck and tell me how hideous I was. How disgusted he was looking at me. Then he would force me to write horrible things all over myself. Anywhere that clothing covered I had to write on myself and watch myself do it in the mirror. If I refused he would choke me with his belt and pull so hard that I would fall backwards and he would put his foot on my chest and step hard till I agreed to do as he said. I would use cleaning products with bleach to scrub off the words. Often times giving myself chemical burns and scrubbing till my skin was raw. I still have nightmares about it sometimes. I cant stand the mere smell of permanent markers, it makes my stomach turn.

That being explained this is where the hard lesson for both my Master and I comes into play. My Master needs to break me, force me to become strong and stand up for myself and fight the demon head on. I am aware of the basics of what is going to happen, details I dont know. I know that my sweet Master is going to do his very best to mentally put me back where I was before but only for a short time. He is going to re enact what happened before and I need to fight and win. My poor sweet Master does not want to hurt me, he does not want to see my cry. He hates it when I cry but, we know this is what has to happen. I need to kill this badness once and for all and realize that I am not those things that for years I was told and believed I was. I know that when all is said and done, the anxiety attack subsides and the tears stop falling I will be safe in the arms of the man that I love and I will be able to move on. As much as I am dreading the day this will happen I am looking forward to it too. I am ready to let this one go once and for all. I have the best man ever. He is willing to hurt me to help me heal. As twisted as that sounds I can not thank him enough for being strong enough to do this for me.

The moral of today’s blog is this……be happy. Be happy and love yourself. Easier said than done I know but, it can be done. There are so many good things that have come from my new found journey into submissive freedom. I want to share those in blogs to come.

Good luck and thank you as always for reading.

~Kitten~

 

 

Hello everyone. My apologies for the gap in posts. After my last post I needed a bit of a break. Letting go of that proved to be a feat that I had a hard time getting through. My Master was such a huge help though. He helped me through an anxiety attack, kept me smiling and gave to me a new found strength that I never knew I had. I always thought that people talking about finding their soul mates were full of shit. I admit it was something that in the back of my mind I hoped for but, never thought I would find mine. Then I found my Master. I truly do believe he is my soul mate. I have never felt the way I feel for him about anyone….ever! He is so gentle and yet, he teaches me lessons and is helping me to become a better person, a happier person. We cant find anything that we disagree on. Not yet at least. Im sure that there is something there but we will get past that when it comes. Its incredible. He accepts me for me. I am in my personal opinion, not a terribly attractive person. My Master sees past the fat and the flaws, the scars and the fears. He cares about me like no one has before. He told me something that I have to keep telling myself on a regular basis. Its something along these lines… “Shit can be in the most beautiful package ever but its still just shit. No one really wants it. When a great mind and beautiful heart are packaged in a rough and worn package, not perfect, covered in flaws its still something beautiful. If you can get past the package to whats inside….its the best thing ever.” He looks me in the eye and tells me how he feels about me and I know that its the truth. I feel it in the very depth of my soul. I know that he is scared, I am too. I never want to do anything to hurt him, he has had enough of that just as I have. I want nothing more than to grow old with him, to be his everything. His best friend, lover, and yes….his pet. I never want to loose that. We may not be D/s on a constant basis but when he takes his stance as my Master I trust and serve to the best of my ability. Over and above though he is my sweet and wonderful boyfriend. You will see me refer to him as both. He is not  a Dom 24/7 and Im glad.

 

Getting to that “very good question”…….

My Master posed a lesson to me the other night after reading my last post. He wanted  me to think about why I stayed. As hard as it was to think about I knew exactly why I stayed. I stayed because I was afraid. Terrified was more like it. The asshole would threaten me if I tried to leave. He would tell me that he would tell my family and my friends. I would loose everything including my son. I could not bear the thought of loosing my son. He is my life and at times the only thing that kept me alive. I didn’t know what he was capable of. I didn’t know if he would hurt my family in some way or another. Hell he was capable of beating me to the point that I could not hardly move who was to say he wouldn’t do something to them? What if he told my family? I come from a very old fashion Italian/Catholic family. Finding out that their oldest daughter was  a pain whore would not go over well. I knew that my family would disown me and find a way to get custody of my son. I know how they are. So, because I was afraid I stayed. I allowed him to abuse me because I was not strong enough to walk away. I even was engaged to someone that I didn’t love at all. Why was I engaged to him? Because I thought that would be my out and the asshole would terminate my contract and let me go. I wouldn’t be able to let my husband see me all battered and bruised, right? Knowing that I was engaged didn’t matter to him. He refused to let me go. I ended up calling off the engagement because I wasn’t going to stay with someone that I didn’t love and he was not going to release me. The beating just kept on coming till he told me that he was moving away.

My boyfriend keeps telling me that I am the strongest woman he knows. I know he really means it when he says that but sometimes its hard to see.  Sometimes I guess that I am strong though. I allowed myself to be abused for years, I was raped for years as a child too. Yet I am not crazy. I fought very hard to keep my sanity and keep everything in at the same time. I am fighting to not let my abusers win. True there was a time that I dropped my bag of marbles. It didn’t last long though. I picked them back up, dusted them off and put them back in my bag.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect by any means. I still have flash backs, anxiety attacks and nightmares. Just the other night my boyfriend/Master had been talking about wanting to do things with water and in the shower, a hot tub ect. I fought it for a while but ended up in a total anxiety attack. I don’t think that my Master had ever experienced someone going through one of those. Worse for him we were talking on the phone so he had to try to bring me down with out being here with me. I was terrified. All I could see and feel was being nearly drowned. Having a leather hood covering my face and either being held with my face in a toilet or under the running water in a tub or shower. I couldn’t see all I could do was feel. In the grips of my anxiety attack I could feel the assholes hands on the back of my head, I could hear the water and my chest was tight and burning from fighting to hold my breath. My Master kept trying to talk me down over the phone. I could hear him telling me to breathe not to hold my breath and to come back to him. I could not make my body react though. I was curled up in my bed, as tiny as I could make myself, shaking and crying uncontrollably. Finally my Master was able to get me back down again. I hate feeling that way. I hate being that terrified. I never want to feel like that with my boyfriend/Master. He is so good to me and he cares about me so much and I feel bad having episodes like that. He knows that I will have them and he still stands by me, he doesnt run. I could not ask for a better man in my life.

I was fighting my water fear before the anxiety attack though.  There have been several occasions that I will go to see my boyfriend/Master in the mornings and he is in the shower when I get there. For a while I would go up to the shower, give him a kiss and back away against the wall farthest away from the shower and talk to him. Slowly I was able to allow myself to stand closer to the shower fully clothed but not get in. I would not let him see my hands shaking. Well after my anxiety attack I decided I needed to take control of my emotions on this one. This is my sweet and wonderful boyfriend we are talking about here! I have NO reason to fear him. I mean this is the man that would love to go and teach a lesson to the asshole and the other bastards that raped me. He wants to protect me at any cost. I love that he is willing to do that for me. I shouldnt be afraid of someone that cares about me so deeply. I hardened myself to the fact that I had to get myself over this. I went to see him the other night and decided I am going to do this. Thankfully for me when I got there he was still in the shower. I mustered up everything I had and I got in. I looked him in the eye and saw the man that I love. I was scared and my chest was tight for a while but his touch quickly melted that away. I fought the shakes when I washed my hair and has water in my face but, I made it through. In the end I had fun. He helped me feel strong which was something I needed so badly. I guess he is right, I am strong in my own way. I fought one of my fears and I won and damn it felt really good.

I have a long ways to go but I am getting there slowly but surely. Well…that is all for tonight. I am worn and tired and need to give my sweet and wonderful man a call. Thank you once again for reading and I bid you well.

~Kitten~